Holy Week

This is Holy Week for the Catholic Church. I often look back on the lenten season and wonder if I did enough. I think sometimes I tend to get these illusions of granduer in my head of how Lent should go. I think this particular Lent, I had no expectations and it worked out better. Instead of making sure I played the martyr this season, I just set goals. I met most ,but not all, of those goals. I am just a work in progress. I think the biggest lesson for me though was that when I just get out of the way of what "I" think and let Him take over, things run smoother and opportunities present themselves that normally wouldn't. I usually end Lent with the feeling like I have not sacrificed enough but then I realize, it's not really about feeling at all. I can always use improvement on doing more penance, more prayer time, and all around being a better person. I think I met my goal (set unconciously) of letting Him increase and me decrease.

Restless

That would describe me lately. I have two issues going on that require waiting to see what unfolds. One is mostly financial. The other is what path to go down in life. (no wonder I'm restless right?!)
We are doing the visits to each Catholic High School this spring. We have visited one so far and I absolutely loved it. Jack liked it alot. He doesn't show much emotion but he did express how much he liked it. (I have to add here too that I was incredibly proud of how he interacted with the faculty and how he carried himself that day. He was such a...well, young man).
The outside didn't look like much but we were really impressed. The price tag isn't bad and is actually doable. The school was small so it was comparable to the environment he is in now.
I am sure over the next few weeks, we will be able to have more to compare.
The issue is that Jack wants to go to this particular high school. It is an all boys school and is far away. He would have to board. I haven't even begun to think about how I will handle his absence during the week. Right now I have just tried to focus on what an incredible opportunity that would be for him (especially with a house full of sisters). I am also wondering how I am going to get the money tree out back to finally bloom $1000 bills. I don't feel as restless about this decision because we have been down this path before when deciding what elementary school to send the kids to. All we did was attend open houses and homeschooled for a year before the choice was made known. I have not been disappointed so far in where they are at now. It is the same as this situation for the most part. Attend open houses and go from there. Financially I don't see how the numbers will work but I have faith that if he is meant to go, the Lord will provide the funding for that.
The other issue: I am on the wait list to get into Nursing School. The wait is one year longer than I was initially told. What if I get pregnant? What if we can't financially do the things we want to do. So many what ifs down that path. Too many to go into here.
I have been praying fervently about it and have heard nothing but silence on the matter. I decided last week that I would go to confession. I do believe in God's mercy. I also truly believe that it is harder to hear Him when we are stuffed full of sins that need to be purged.
I find the whole process of confession frightening (for I truly believe I am saying my sins to Jesus) and incredibly peaceful. There is nothing like walking out of confession. I always feel light in my heart (lighthearted??). Anyways, I prayed some more about the second issue listed above. I was surprised with an answer. His answer is that He wants me to be totally dependant upon Him for this. I don't need clarification. I need to know that He is going to give me strength and wisdom when I need it and not a moment before. He is telling me that I need to live in the moment more and not worry so much about things that have not yet come to pass. He knows this is not a comfortable thing for me to do. I will step outside this comfort zone and follow His lead. Where He leads me, I will follow.

Be careful of what you say..

I was just saying to Matt last night that we have been so fortunate this flu season to dodge our usual routine of sickness. I said this as we were winding down for the night. The kids were all in bed. The "spring ahead" time change still not allowing me to be as sleepy as I usually am this time of night. Matt has been working alot of overtime so he fell asleep on the couch almost instantly. This is okay by me as some of my "junky" shows are coming on. You know, the ones where other people have problems so profound that it makes my life look like a walk through Disney. I stayed up much later than I should have. Tuesdays are incredibly busy around here with after school activities at various places and I have class at night. I know better than to be sleep deprived on Tuesdays. Still, I cannot stop watching the shows I am forbidden to watch when my saner half is awake. I feel like a kid again. I managed to drag my still not sleepy body up the stairs to bed somewhere around midnight. After all, I could stay up late...I hadn't a care in the world.
Sometime between four and five a.m. I was awakened by a sound. I couldn't tell you in type written words how that sound goes but it is a familiar sound in the parenthood world. It is the sound that illicits jumping out of bed while scanning around looking for some sort of container that will serve the remainder of the day as the "puke bucket". It is the sound of one's stomach turning with the sole purpose of emptying its contents. It is the sound that announces 'the stomach flu has arrived'.
I run (no container to be found btw) to the bathroom where my sweet Hannah is standing over the sink submitting to her stomach's request to empty itself. I go through several emotions all at once. The typical "ewww" and of course pity for this little girl who was rudely awaken to her body's violent way of ejecting sickness. I also venture into emotions that typically are not part of this show playing out in front of me (that I am now an unwilling character in). Pride. I am so proud of her for getting to the bathroom in time. Not bad for a 7 year old. I wish that she would have chosen the toilet but hey, it's not her bed ...or worse, the carpet. I also feel pity for myself..."why couldn't this have happened last week when I was on spring break? I have school so late tonight and I am going to be sooo tired. I am going to have to cancel our sewing lesson...etc" It is in those times of sleep deprivation that we are truly our sourest selves. Unfortunately the pride fades a bit and the self pity increases when I see that the front of her brand new white (of course) tshirt that she insisted on wearing last night did not fare as well as I initially thought. BTW...we had pizza for dinner. So there I am in the wee morning hours wiping puke off her arms due to having to somehow manuever this shirt strategically off of her, washing out a white tshirt, scooping puke out of the sink, using Clorox wipes by the dozens, and providing comfort to a strangely calm Hannah. She in turn has a calming effect on me. We go downstairs to face the rest of the day together. We both know it's going to be a crummy day but are reassured that whatever comes our way (or out our mouths) we will get through it.
I can't wait to see what is in store for us the rest of the week.

UPDATE: It hit Jack and the next day, I fell to the sickness. Matt had a variation of it. Now let's see if it strikes the other two.....

Work out roller coaster...

This is day four of our workout. Matt and I are trying a popular exercise program. It is hard but I am glad we are doing it. Needless to say, we are feeling pretty sore. I went to bed last night around 9pm. The alarm rang around 5:30am. I didn't want to get out of bed but I do want to wear a bathing suit in a few months without feeling too self conscious. I got up and put in the next DVD. Yoga. I despise Yoga. I cannot stand all of the "clear your mind and feel the positive energy" blather. So I put it on mute and held most of the poses. I didn't finish the video but what I did feel was a nice stretching of my incredibly sore muscles. After my half-assed-half-hour workout I brewed my coffee and sat with a steaming mug warming my hands. I was feeling pretty good. Nice and stretched, no worries. Just felt really good.
Then it was time to wake the children. My four angels were dreaming away as I quietly went to each bed rubbing warm little backs. "Time to get up.". Two of my girls came down and started their morning rituals. My son was in the shower. I thought it would be funny to run my fingernails along the door each time I passed the bathroom. I started helping my youngest get her clothes for the day as I heard the shower shut off. I walked past the bathroom door one last time and couldn't help myself to one more round of nails on the bathroom door. The door opened abruptly and my preadolescent precious boy had a nasty look on his face. He expressed how incredibly annoying my little game was and punctuated his sentence with "Seriously". Still, I walked around my chipper self. All three girls were in the middle of their breakfast when Jack came down. I smiled at him. It didn't get returned. Well, he is a preteen after all so what do I expect.
Then the picking on his sisters starts. Nothing will kill my mood more than the sound of one of my girls squealing "Stop it!" because a sibling (in this case brother dear) is messing with them. It is like a vacuum but instead of sucking up dirt, it sucks up any good mood I have going. It is in these times that I wish I had my husbands super power to block out all annoying sounds. I have not been blessed with this though so I react. They both spent time in their rooms. One for irritating (because he was irritated with me) and one for squealing instead of telling him calmly. So as I finish typing this I am coming down off of my drill sergeant mode. I just shout orders and my little soldiers follow them. I have trained them so well in fact, that they cannot function without these orders. I have to come up with a different way. I also am praying that I get my chipper feeling back. Maybe Yoga isn't so bad after all.

What doesn't kill you.....

You know the saying, "what doesn't kill you will make you stronger."? I hate that saying. These kids are going to be the death of me and the more that goes on...the less strong I feel. No, I don't feel empowered at all.
We are in the preteen stage with our son. He is an easy going kid for the most part. Perhaps this is why I am so shocked when he spouts off. His issue is computer time. We think he is on the computer too much. He plays a certain game that is pretty harmless. It's age appropriate. I would much rather he be on this website vs others. We are pretty strict with what he watches and other facets of his life as well. Last card marking Jack's grades were lower in two classes than we felt they should be. So we limited him on the computer. He brought those two grades up and his report card reflected a hard working student. So we relaxed a bit on the computer rule. My husband in the meantime has felt we all have been spending too much time in front of screens. Being that it's winter time, it's not uncommon for all of us to resort to some sort of electronic entertainment. (BTW, we wouldn't have a tv at all if it were up to him). When my husband feels compelled to do something about the behaviors of this family, I tend to let him go with it. He is the head of the household after all. Needless to say, this didn't go over well with Jack. Instead of handling it the adult way (which why would he, he is only 12) he started saying smart remarks such as, We were ruining his childhood, sulking, pouting etc. Even though we have discussed how he should handle this in the future as this behavior is not OK, I have to admit I see his point. He is a good kid, he gets good grades, and he is responsible, what's the big deal if he is on the computer??? We worked it out and all parties came to the table with feeling and good solutions. This didn't happen though without stress. Mostly because I react emotionally when I should be acting more like a courtroom...no emotion allowed. This simple struggle we had with the computer had more to do with letting bit by bit my "baby" grow up and less to do with a disrespectful mouth. It stresses me out.
The other issue is Hannah and her asthma. She missed all week last week. She wasn't sick, just coughing her head off and not sleeping. She has been back for four days and I get a call from the school secretary that Hannah doesn't feel like she is breathing well again. She just finished a round of steriods. So what is going on? It will make you pull your hair out. I don't understand how this condition is non-existant most of the year and one little cold (no flu this year even) will take her out of school for a week.
On top of all of this, Olivia has been an emotional wreck. Even though I know this is perfectly normal for 3rd grade, it still is hard to go thru. She isn't a crier. So when those little things cause her to melt down, I find the whole thing unnerving. It's so out of character for her.
Emma is going thru a phase too that has made me parent differently than I am used to. Again, no emotion works best. The pathways of discipline that I have perfected after raising three have been thrown out the window with number four. I have at last found what works for her so at least I have that small triumph. It is not a natural way for me but I am at least capable of doing it.
These kids are going to be the death of me. I always thought that having four kids 7 and under was hard with all of it's demands. I didn't realize that one day I would long for those days. All of those parents who have gone thru the teen years and lived to tell the tale all smile a knowing smile at me.
Heaven help me.