Grief

It has been well over a month since my last post. I don't even know where to begin. FIL is doing well with his liver transplant despite a few setbacks. I also satisfied some nursing callings with being in charge of hooking him up to his IV.

Another happening is going to be difficult to write about but important to document. We lost our precious baby. I went in for a routine 16 week check up. Dr.C couldn't find the heartbeat. I wasn't overly concerned until the Ultra sound scan showed no movement. It wasn't a great picture but it didn't take long to know why we weren't hearing it on the doppler. I had Han and Em with me (so they could hear the heartbeat). I just felt so numb. I felt like things were very unreal. Dr. sent me over to the hospital where they could get a better picture. I wanted so bad for the dr. to be wrong. I still had a glimmer of hope. The dr. explained that because I was 16 weeks along that it would be a delivery but they would keep me as comfortable as possible. That part didn't compute right away.
Matt came to pick me up from the dr.'s and we drove off to the hospital. We walked in the room and I laid down on the table. Across the room was a huge monitor where you could see what the technician was scanning. An ultrasound picture came up immediately of the profile of our baby. It was perfectly identifiable. I could see the spine, the hands with little fingers. I could see the skull and the shape of the cheeks. I could see the baby's knees drawn up to itself in true fetal position. I could also see that where a beating heart should be pounding away, there was nothing.
The technician asked if I wanted to monitor turned off. I said no. After all, this would be the only glimpse of my baby that I will ever get. I just kept looking and staring. So peaceful curled up in there. It gave me great comfort to see my baby and know for sure that he/she didn't make it. It is strange to feel that but it left no doubt that my baby was gone. Dr. M came in and explained that the baby was only 13.5 weeks along. He said it could be a genetic thing (which is why most miscarriages occur). He also pointed out some spots of blood near the placenta. Despite the fact that I have not spotted or bled, it could have been the cause. I don't know if we will ever have an answer for that. They were very compassionate there and I am thankful that I had medical staff who had the utmost respect for my feelings. They gave us a moment to gather ourselves together.
My regular OB called and explained why I had to go to someone else. It is risky with bleeding and I also have a bicornuate uterus. My regular OB was wonderfully compassionate. He told me to grieve and mourn the loss of my child. He was such a comfort to me.
The grief of this loss has hit me in waves. It comes at unexpected moments. One minute I will busy myself with something. The next, I am walking through the house and suddenly burst into tears. The pain of this is physical and can be suffocating at times. It literally hurts in my heart and it bends me in half. I have been through some rough times in my life and I know how emotional pain feels. But, this is the first time I have felt grief on this level... I have lost my baby. I know that these things happen. I am not wallowing in self pity. I do not ask myself, "why me?". I understand it is nothing I did or didn't do. I do not think it to be unfair. I do not feel like I am being punished. I am just simply in mourning. My arms ache for this baby that I will never hold. I feel completely blessed to have been this child's mommy for 13.5 short weeks. I have loved this child from the moment I knew he/she existed. As a christian woman, I accept God's plan in all of this even if it is not my plan. I also know that through suffering comes great grace. I have already felt this grace in knowing just how much I am capable of loving another human being. I am that much closer to understanding how precious life is. That these little ones really are just on loan. I have known that with Hannah(and almost losing her with asthma) but I fully realize it with the loss of this little one.
I have been blessed also with a wonderful system of support. My husband has stood right next to me and has held me up even as he deals with his own grief. My sister has known what to distract me with. My friend, who has suffered this grief several times, has been a wonderful comfort to me. She has known exactly what to say and when to say it. All of the family members that have heard have expressed grief. So this baby was truly loved by all. I take comfort in knowing that all who knew about this baby have been touched by him/her.