Long time no posts...This and that...

I just picked up Hannah from school. She wasn't breathing very well. It dawned on me it has been one year to the day since she has been hospitalized with pneumonia. My sweet girl kept apologizing for making me come all the way out to get her (the school is about 20 minutes away). What an angel to think of me as she was dealing with not feeling well.
Everything else has been going normal for us. Hopefully this latest episode with Hannah will just phase itself out. I would whisk her away to Florida but it's not much warmer there!
Lent started on Feb. 17th this year. The weekend prior to that was Valentine's Day. I thought it would be a good idea to invite a few families over for a pre-Lenten feast. I cooked chicken cacciatori, spaghetti and meatballs and a cheese lasagna. It really turned out to be a nice gathering. Between four families there were 19 kids! As always, there is wonderful conversation among us adults. We dine frequently with the one couple. It is almost like watching your favorite symphony unfold. We all start out with catching up with what is going on in each other's lives since last we gathered. Then as dinner is being prepared, everyone offers help and takes on a job. We let the children eat first. When they are finished, we adults are able to gather around one table to break bread together. After the food is put away and dishes are mostly done, we sit around and talk about faith. We all share this same love for the Lord. We talk openly about how hard it can be to raise a family in this world...what works, what doesn't. We aren't afraid to have differing opinions on certain wordly issues. All views are accepted and no hurt feelings if refuted. I think it has to do with the fact that we can look at each other as brothers and sisters in Christ. We speak about God and being Catholic with such passion. It inspires me. It is fellowship at its best mostly because it takes place in the confines of a home. One couple is a bit older than my husband and I. They have walked down some roads that still lay before us. It is nice to take in what they have to say about their experiences and their struggles. They are kind enough to share that part of themselves. After everyone leaves...and it is usually quite late in the evening...I find myself looking forward already to the next gathering. We are blessed to have such nice friends.

Happy Birthday to Jack!

My sweet boy has turned into a young man right before my eyes. Long gone are the days of mispronouncing words and scootching across the floor...despite the fact that it feels like yesterday to me. We wanted a baby so badly. Twelve years later, I am amazed every time Jack comes down the stairs in the morning. He has surpassed me in shoe size by two sizes. He is an inch taller...and growing. His voice is changing and so is his attitude! I have so much I still want to teach him before he goes out on his own. He is kind,intelligent, FUNNY, and contemplative. He is passive, can be lazy (don't know where he gets that from!), and has his head in the clouds. Perfect don't you think?
I am blessed to be his mother. I have had to change the way I parent him these past few months. It is a very hard transition for me. I feel like I have given him good roots (for the most part) and now it's time to let him flap his wings a bit. It is hard because I still want to hold him close. It is hard letting him grow up. If I don't, he will not have the skills he needs to fly out on his own.
Happy Birthday to my young man!

Last Monday I went to see Dr. A. He was very thourough in his explanation of what was to happen during the surgery and most importantly, he let me do alot of talking. He mentioned that he had personally spoken with my regular OB. He also mentioned that after having 5 boys, he and his wife adopted from China. Red Thread and a confirmation from God I think. I was surprised how calm I was. I almost felt like I was in business mode and would deal with any feelings on what was about to happen later. Tuesday morning came and I went into labor right as we were leaving for the hospital. I was whisked off to the Pre-op area where the nurses started an IV right away and gave me some pretty good drugs so that the pain was mostly gone and another drug so that I didn't care. The dr. said he barely had to do anything because the baby was right there (no D&C). I go to see him for a follow up visit later next week.
When the dr. came out to inform Matt how the surgery went, Matt asked if the doctor could tell what sex the baby was. I already knew...a little boy. We have decided to name him Stephen after the first martyr of the Church. The baby's remains will be sent to a cemetary not too far away.
I have recovered better than I thought I would physically. Emotionally I feel like I am doing better on the whole...but not so good during certain periods. I have my moments and the sadness can be incredibly profound. I have not experienced anything like it so far. I go from just sadness at the loss of what might have been to actually wanting this baby back so bad it hurts. I feel like I am missing a part of myself. My body is starting to return to its regular shape just as I was starting to feel beautiful (which is why I thought it must be a boy). My milk came in and that bothered me alot. I had to force myself to focus on the positive part of it...that my body realized I was no longer pregnant. I have been trying to keep myself busy (which is easy to do with four kids). I try not to let my mind wander too much into that dark area. My boy is in Heaven with his Father. I try to rejoice for him and I pray to him that he watches over our family. We miss him.
That's where most of the pain comes from...missing him. In my selfishness in wanting him here, I wallow in that sorrow. It is part of the normal grieving process I am told. I just never wanted this to be part of my "normal". I accept that these things happen. All of our children are on loan for they never truly belong to us. We are powerless to stop these things from happening. But I cannot ignore the ache in my arms that long to hold that child. I cannot ignore the hollowness in my heart for that sweet baby boy. I cannot pretend that I am all better. However, there are things I do know...that I cannot get through all of this without the grace of God. I cannot begin to sift through my feelings without pleading to Him daily for healing and acceptance. I cannot function without the small ways He shows me He is near. It is faith that will get me through.

Grief

It has been well over a month since my last post. I don't even know where to begin. FIL is doing well with his liver transplant despite a few setbacks. I also satisfied some nursing callings with being in charge of hooking him up to his IV.

Another happening is going to be difficult to write about but important to document. We lost our precious baby. I went in for a routine 16 week check up. Dr.C couldn't find the heartbeat. I wasn't overly concerned until the Ultra sound scan showed no movement. It wasn't a great picture but it didn't take long to know why we weren't hearing it on the doppler. I had Han and Em with me (so they could hear the heartbeat). I just felt so numb. I felt like things were very unreal. Dr. sent me over to the hospital where they could get a better picture. I wanted so bad for the dr. to be wrong. I still had a glimmer of hope. The dr. explained that because I was 16 weeks along that it would be a delivery but they would keep me as comfortable as possible. That part didn't compute right away.
Matt came to pick me up from the dr.'s and we drove off to the hospital. We walked in the room and I laid down on the table. Across the room was a huge monitor where you could see what the technician was scanning. An ultrasound picture came up immediately of the profile of our baby. It was perfectly identifiable. I could see the spine, the hands with little fingers. I could see the skull and the shape of the cheeks. I could see the baby's knees drawn up to itself in true fetal position. I could also see that where a beating heart should be pounding away, there was nothing.
The technician asked if I wanted to monitor turned off. I said no. After all, this would be the only glimpse of my baby that I will ever get. I just kept looking and staring. So peaceful curled up in there. It gave me great comfort to see my baby and know for sure that he/she didn't make it. It is strange to feel that but it left no doubt that my baby was gone. Dr. M came in and explained that the baby was only 13.5 weeks along. He said it could be a genetic thing (which is why most miscarriages occur). He also pointed out some spots of blood near the placenta. Despite the fact that I have not spotted or bled, it could have been the cause. I don't know if we will ever have an answer for that. They were very compassionate there and I am thankful that I had medical staff who had the utmost respect for my feelings. They gave us a moment to gather ourselves together.
My regular OB called and explained why I had to go to someone else. It is risky with bleeding and I also have a bicornuate uterus. My regular OB was wonderfully compassionate. He told me to grieve and mourn the loss of my child. He was such a comfort to me.
The grief of this loss has hit me in waves. It comes at unexpected moments. One minute I will busy myself with something. The next, I am walking through the house and suddenly burst into tears. The pain of this is physical and can be suffocating at times. It literally hurts in my heart and it bends me in half. I have been through some rough times in my life and I know how emotional pain feels. But, this is the first time I have felt grief on this level... I have lost my baby. I know that these things happen. I am not wallowing in self pity. I do not ask myself, "why me?". I understand it is nothing I did or didn't do. I do not think it to be unfair. I do not feel like I am being punished. I am just simply in mourning. My arms ache for this baby that I will never hold. I feel completely blessed to have been this child's mommy for 13.5 short weeks. I have loved this child from the moment I knew he/she existed. As a christian woman, I accept God's plan in all of this even if it is not my plan. I also know that through suffering comes great grace. I have already felt this grace in knowing just how much I am capable of loving another human being. I am that much closer to understanding how precious life is. That these little ones really are just on loan. I have known that with Hannah(and almost losing her with asthma) but I fully realize it with the loss of this little one.
I have been blessed also with a wonderful system of support. My husband has stood right next to me and has held me up even as he deals with his own grief. My sister has known what to distract me with. My friend, who has suffered this grief several times, has been a wonderful comfort to me. She has known exactly what to say and when to say it. All of the family members that have heard have expressed grief. So this baby was truly loved by all. I take comfort in knowing that all who knew about this baby have been touched by him/her.

Anniversary and a case of cramping....

Yesterday was a little crazy around here. I was up at night with this painful cramp in the middle of my lower abdomen. I didn't get worried until I couldn't find a comfortable position to lay in to escape some of the pain. Being that it was the middle of the night, I contemplated driving myself to the ER just to see what was going on. I really feared a miscarriage. I had never experienced that before. I waited until morning and the pain was a little better (at least when I laid a certain way). I called the dr. first thing. Matt drove the kids to school and came back to take me to my appt.
I turned to him at one point and said that I was glad he was home for our 15th anniversary but this isn't what I had in mind. We arrived at the dr. on time. As I told the nurse my symptoms, she got that hushed tone that people get who know that this may not have a good outcome. That's when the anxiety really set in. As soon as the dr. came in, the flood gate opened. He asked why I was crying. Um, hello, I am pregnant, do I need a reason to begin with?? Everything checked out alright though. The best part of all...we got to hear the baby's heartbeat. What an awesome anniversary gift. Matt and I truly have been blessed.

The Power of Prayer.

As I mentioned last post, there have been many God things that we have been blessed to be witness to. My FIL received his transplant. The next day, Olivia received her first communion. It was a beautiful day. One of those days that you don't need a picture to remember some of the images your mind has captured. One image is Matt praying over her before heading off to Mass.
During the Mass, each child went up to receive Jesus for the first time. The parents got to walk behind them. The child kneeled and we watched our child receive Christ. Olivia was one of the last ones to go. I stepped out of the pew and followed this beautiful (and I mean beautiful!) child towards the front of the Church. I watched the concentration on Liv's face. I don't think she smiled once due to being so "in the zone". Liv is all business when it is a serious moment. I watched as she knelt down and Father bent to pray over her before giving her the Host. I looked beyond Father and watched Jack, who was serving Mass, witness this from a better angle. And I bawled. I couldn't help it. I don't think there is anything more precious than to watch someone take Jesus for the first time...especially when it's your child.
During this Mass, we offered it up for my FIL's healing. We had received news that he was heading back to surgery due to a small leak in a major blood vessel. We lit a candle in front of St. Joseph's altar for his healing. What we didn't know at the time is that he told my MIL he knew he was dying. The tear was repaired. He came thru that surgery just fine. Praise God and the power of prayer. I truly believe that praying at that moment helped him through that time. I don't need proof, it's just something I know in my heart.
One more God moment: FIL is on medication that can cause hallucinations. He called and explained that he had these horrible nightmares...ones that he thought were real. I won't go into detail with what some of these nightmares were about. He was afraid to go back to sleep. So he stayed awake. Matt and Jack visited him in the hospital later that day. They brought him a picture of St. Michael (Jack had purchased at a local shrine to St. Joseph), a small crucifix, and a prayer card of Jesus. He has not had nightmares since. My MIL has kept the picture and is now saying the Prayer to St. Michael. The power of Prayer.

Time goes by so quickly...and the NEWS just keeps piling up.

It has been forever since my last blog. Much has happened here. Many life changing events and as always, God events.

On April 27th (there is significance to this date) I found out that we will be expecting our fifth child. Hannah's birthday is this day. Being that she too was a shock full o' blessing, it is very appropriate that I found out on that date.
At first I just kept praising God that He is so merciful to us in blessing us with another child. Then the reality of this news set in (I really need to trust in God and not listen to all of the junk in my head). I wasn't sure how Matt would react. I knew it wouldn't be anger or anything obnoxious but I wasn't sure it would be positive. Despite my own shock, I didn't feel like I could handle anyone else's. He was shocked but supportive. What else could he be? I don't think it is fair that he isn't allowed to express his real feelings on it for fear of offending me. But, I am not a big believer in life is fair anyways. He is a good man that husband of mine.

On May 8th, my FIL was called suddenly, unexpectedly, surprisingly etc...to go to the hospital to receive his new liver. When my MIL called, I was laying on the couch feeling crummy due to morning sickness (even though it was almost 10 pm). I heard Matt answer the phone and after a few sentences, I knew who was on the other end and what they were saying. An electric current went through my body. I can't describe it any other way. Very unexpected but what a blessing...this is my new motto.
FIL has come thru the surgery very well. He has had a few set backs. He is currently back in the hospital for various issues related to his transplant. He should be back home in a few days though. It has been a strain on my MIL. She has been doing very well despite it.
Next post I will talk about some God things. I have prayed more this month than any other time in my life. The only other time I remember praying with such vigor is when my brother was in Iraq. I find it ironic that I will pray for others with such fervor but when it comes to myself, I just kind of wing it. I will have to work on that.