2004...it was a memorable year

So to sum up 2003: My parents divorce. Come November of 2003, I was just emotionally drained. I do not consider myself to ever have suffered from depression...but whatever the first step up from that is called...that was what I was in. I was doing but not really present in my daily activities. Who knew that as an adult, my parent's divorce would have shook my world up so much. To top it off, we lost my great-grandmother. She was 97 and had been in a nursing home for many years with some form of dementia/alzheimers. I don't know why I was shocked when I received the call that she had passed... being emotionally drained could be the cause. We had to drive to PA to have her funeral. My grandparents and my dad call it "back home" as that is where they are originally from. My sister and her daughter also made the trek. The kids did wonderful and I was glad to have gone despite the initial dread I had (November in the mountains of PA with three small children in the car wasn't my idea of a good time). Great grandma was a warm and kind woman and I miss her very much.


After the events of this year, I needed a break so Matt and I decided that we were going to take a vacation to see his brother and his family in Hawaii for Christmas. I looked forward to laying on the beach, soaking up the sun and just being far away from all of these issues. We were gone for almost a month. Looking back now, I realize that this trip was the calm before the storm. I had no idea what was ahead in 2004.


The first half of 2004 contained a series of events that rocked our family. Although our little family of five was stable... our extended family was in so much pain. Matt and I witnessed two marriages struggle through infidelity, old secrets from long ago came out, and unspeakable acts that were committed in a few family members' childhood came to the surface. I thought about expanding on these events...but to walk down that path again is really just too painful. I will say that the marriages survived, the old secrets will work themselves out, and the unspeakable acts...well, how does one fully recover? The point of all of this is that it was absolutely painful. I remember Matt and I taking turns just bursting into tears. To watch those you love so much have these issues to deal with all at once is heartbreaking. It was at this time that I remember laying on the floor and just looking up and saying, "you know God, You take over....I cannot do this by myself anymore. I don't even know how to feel let alone how to help."
A few days after this, I walked into the room where Matt was reading the Bible. He just started crying (FYI-Matt does not tear up easily. He has been my rock for many years so to see him crack is quite an event). He was reading in the Gospel where it says, 'which one of you would give his son a snake when he asks for a fish...how much more will your Heavenly Father give good things to those who ask him?'-Mt 7:9-11
I have read that passage before but something about your husband sobbing over scripture will really get it speaking to your heart. In April of 2004, Jack took his first communion. I was sobbing like a baby as I watched him receive his Lord for the first time. And then a week later it happened...I was walking thru the kitchen and this wonderful wash of Love just poured over me. It was not a feeling...it was physical. It was heavy and I could barely stand. I cannot describe it in words. I am not a writer and despite my ability to go on and on, I do not express myself well with these words. I have heard the words 'born again' and I am hesitant to use them. Those of you who are Catholic will know what I mean...well, we just don't call it that do we? One baptism for the forgiveness of sins. I think those who do believe in born again theory-reversion is what I call it- will know what it is that I felt. Semantics. But I also believe that God can move you into an experience without this feeling of warmth...
This was the start of this incredible journey...and guess what? It all came thru suffering. Not suffering in a physical sense...although it sure felt physical at times especially in my heart. But suffering where you just don't have the answers anymore. The suffering that you can't take medicine to ease it. The kind that you can literally feel your heart hurting inside your chest. You see, as an oldest child, I am used to being the problem solver. I have all of the advice for our younger siblings and when I can't fix it, I feel like a failure. I am sure I am called little -miss- know -it- all in certain circles. It is very hard for me to hand over control or think that someone else has better answers than I do. It's not pride, it just my make up (okay, character flaw). God knew this. It is why those particular lessons came in the form that they did. He had to break me in order to get me to hear His voice. Not until I threw up my hands and gave in did He start to whisper to me. Softly at first and then loudly as time went on. Guiding me gently...and sometimes not so gently when I tried to take control again.
I am still in awe at how Matt and I were affected at the same time. I can't imagine going thru that without him knowing exactly what I was feeling. We were coming up on our 10th anniversary. We thought it was time to get our marriage convalidated. So in June, we said our vows after Mass. It was Fr. , Matt, me, and two witnesses...that's it. It was emotional and it was beautiful. From that moment on...life took us down a path that was very unexpected, took us down a path that was very frustrating, and took us down a path that deepened our faith.