Pneumonia

My poor little Hannah! She had been diagnosed with asthma about 18 months ago. She has been symptom free for about a year. We have had her off her meds for 6 months. She got the upper respiratory bug that goes around and now has full blown pneumonia. She has been hospitalized before for it. The only reason she wasn't this time is her oxygen sats are not terrible (plus the fact that the hospitals are overwhelmed with patients right now). So we are staying in close contact with the dr. and nursing her back to health at home. She looks like a frail little bird. Her poor eyes are sunken into her head and she has dark circles. She is having a hard time eating so we are giving her little bits at a time. She just lays there. Her eyes are this wonderful sky blue but today they look like a cloudy day. I find it so weird that her mood is reflected in her eyes.


Out of all of our children, she was our ..ahem, surprise. From the moment she was born, she has been a joy. (I love all of my children but because she is so ill, I will focus on those feelings about her for this post.) Hannah has always been an early riser...5am and up with the birds. I am not a morning person by any means...but when you hear your baby gurgle with delight because you are the first face she sees, it's hard to be grumpy (despite being up an hour earlier with an older sibling). When she was old enough to pull herself up, she would stand in her crib with her chubby arms open wide as if she couldn't wait to feel me. She has these amazing blue eyes. I used to just stare at them while nursing her. She had cherub-like cheeks that have flattened into the shape of a young lady's face but every once in a while I catch a glimpse of them even now at 6 years old. She was an early talker, speaking complete sentences at 15 months old. They grow so fast. Now she is in first grade and gone are the days of gurgling and chubby baby arms. They are replaced with just as worthy treasures that define her personality. She can make a whole room erupt in laughter when you hear her giggle. It is the sound of pure delight coming from her.

Being that she is sick, she is more reliant upon me than she has been for the past couple of years. She has to have breathing treatments every four hours so we are up in the middle of the night (just like when she was a baby). She is too weak to even wash herself. I bathed her yesterday and held her in the crook of my arm while pouring water over her hair...just like when she was a baby. She just laid there looking up at me with those incredible cloudy blue-gray eyes. So if there is anything positive in this whole sickness, it was that moment of vulnerability...a glimpse backwards to times long gone.

I also got a glimpse into how Hannah copes with adversity. Each of my children have their own coping mechanisms. Hannah is usually happy-go-lucky so I don't often get to see hers. She sheds tears ,many of them with a talent I find impressive...she can actually "ping" them out of her eyes and hit my shirt. She also accepts things even though her face tells you she doesn't like it. You can logically reason with her at a level that is beyond her 6 years. She doesn't like it when you sugar-coat things...just give it to her straight. She also develops an attitude. It is quite the opposite of her regular persona and I am taken aback by it when it shows itself. This isn't a bad thing. I think she does this because it helps her to feel tough.

It has taken me three or four days to write this post (time is really fuzzy right now). Hannah is doing well, just very weak. When she was at her sickest point, I had her in bed with me for the night. As she slept sitting upright I started to pray over her. If you have a child who has any type of respiratory sickness, you will know that distinct rhythm of their belly breathing. Babies belly breath but as they get older, it turns into the regular chest breathing. However, when your child cannot get enough air in those lungs, the belly breathing returns. It is a scary sound while at it's worst. Then when you get all the drugs in that you can and just wait until it clears up, it becomes this rhythmic heavy breathing. I wish I could say it was soothing but it's not. I do have to say that while praying over her, it was the background noise. Something in the rhythm made the prayers come out easier. I prayed to our Lord that He continue to watch over her and help her. I prayed that our Lord Jesus Christ take her suffering up as an offering. I asked our Lady to intercede and keep her in the folds of her Holy Mantle. I also asked for St. Therese's intercession. The reason I asked for this particular saint's intercession was because of the book I am currently reading to the children. It is a book from a local author about a girl in 5th grade who is learning to follow St. Therese's little way. Hannah has really taken an interest in the story. As the story unfolds about the events in this 5th grader's life, you also learn about this saint. Hannah can tell you everything that goes on in this story. So it was natural for me to ask for St. Therese's intercession that night.

The next day, I picked up the only child well enough to go to school. I stopped and talked to Hannah's teacher. She said that the children in Han's class were supposed to make her cards but they ran out of time, however, one girl did make one. I took the pile of papers, that included missed work and this particular card and got back in the car. When we returned home, I handed Hannah the homemade card. It was from a classmate that would have no idea Han's interest in St. Therese. The picture was simple. It said it was to Hannah from S and the drawing was of a single rose. I wept.

FOR THOSE NOT FAMILIAR WITH ST. THERESE YOU MAY FIND THIS HELPFUL:
In case anyone is interested, Saint Theresa is known as the Saint of the Little Ways. Meaning she believed in doing the little things in life well and with great love. She is also the patron Saint of flower growers and florists. She is represented by roses. May everyone be blessed who receives this message.

St. Theresa's Prayer:

May today there be peace within. May you trust your highest power that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you....May you be content knowing you are a child of God.... Let this presence settle into our bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of you.

A Rant about Breastfeeding....

I am somewhat disturbed by the recent media attention given to a mother breastfeeding a baby other than her own. In the news today, Selma Hayek was shown breastfeeding a starving infant in Sierra Leone. Why is this newsworthy?? Big deal. The radio stations were going nuts over this story. I heard comments like, "Ewwww!" or "That's just wrong." Then there was my favorite comment, "Wish I was a baby." (of course that was made by a man).

The article I read was from Time magazine's website. The author of the article went on to say that the La Leche League does not endorse cross nursing. Well, of course they wouldn't endorse it. They have a reputation to protect. Heaven forbid one case in a million comes back that a mother inadvertently passed a disease to an infant that is not her own. The LLL is a wonderful organization but even they are not exempt from the CYA moves that this society lives by.

My biggest beef with this is the shock at breastfeeding. Folks, whether we like to think about it or not, women since the beginning of time have nursed their babies. Boobies were made for this purpose. God knew what He was doing in His workshop, okay? Boobies are not put here for the male pleasure (although it is an added bonus to be fair to the male gender). We lose sight so quickly about what life was like before formula came out. My mother was raised on Pet milk with vitamins mixed in. Now that will raise an ,"EWWWW!" from me. What do you think women around 100+ years ago did when they couldn't produce milk anymore? There were fellow women either in their family or in the village that were willing to share their milk supply. Do you think they went to Walmart for the bottles and breast pumps? Nooooo, they latched them right on. And what we don't ever want to talk about....Our Lord was more than likely breastfed. Think about it.

So let's set aside the rumors of publicity for Ms. Hayek for argument's sake. Let's just put ourselves in that situation. Hypothetically lets say: You are visiting a poverty stricken village. You see a child who is starving because his mother no longer has milk and the stigma in the village is that breastfeeding mother's cannot resume relations with their husbands (so wet nurses arent' willing to come forward). You have milk. Would you honestly stand there and do nothing? Would you not try to comfort that child? You may not be able to ensure that child will live. But would you idly be able to stand there knowing you could do something about it while the situation is in front of you? I couldn't. I just couldn't. Let's try another angle. If you saw a starving child and you had a can of formula. Would you not give it to that child no questions asked? Why is it different? And "just because it is..." is not an answer.

The other thing I want to mention is that not too long ago there was a story in the paper about a Chinese police officer who also had a milk supply. She nursed quite a few babies whose mothers died or were injured during the earthquake China suffered. She was hailed as a hero. But Ms. Hayek is gross? I don't get the double standard.

I am so sick of this society-mostly American I might add- that views breasts in a sexual way. There is nothing more maternal than nursing a child. Have we warped what it means to be female so much that we now are disgusted by a natural function? We are kicking women off planes for nursing their children. We are suing YMCA's for mother's nursing their infants while watching their other children swim. We are tsk tsking and tut tutting when we see it in public. Ridiculous.

What's next? Give me a break!

TMI

Another happening in my life that is of some significance is:

The Good Lord wasn't done with His graces yet...he moved our hearts once again. I have always suffered from heavy and painful periods. The dr. that delivered Olivia kept insisting I go on the pill. I just didn't feel like that was the answer to my problems. I asked about other treatments and was told there was a new one called Laser Ablation. Huh? BBQ my uterus? No thanks. And with a heavy heart, I left him. I decided I was going to get a woman and I was going Pro-Life. We have an HMO...and for those who have an HMO, you know how fun it is to Dr. shop! I was listening to a Catholic radio station online and they had an ad for a woman's center. I looked it up online to see where it was. A little far but nothing I couldn't do once a year. I held my breath and looked into my health care provider booklet. Lo and behold, a Dr. from this center was listed and she was a WOMAN! I cried. Then I called for an appt. I cried to the receptionist who I am sure thought I was a lunatic...bless her heart, she never made me feel like I was. You know what was even the best part? I didn't have to wait a month to get in (like with my previous dr.) and I had an appt. for the very next week. Matt got home and I cried some more.



I went to my first appt. and when I told the dr. my symptoms she patted my leg and said I had been suffering too long. There was a hormone that was deficient in me and they prescribed a bioidentical (not biosynthetic) replacement. It has changed my life. (disclaimer: always see your health care professional for advice and never go by someone else's success story...each body is made differently). While talking with my dr. I inquired if she knew of any urologists that would reverse vasectomies. She gave me a name but she was unsure of where his office was. I don't know why I asked this because Matt and I were not talking of reversal at the time. It just popped into my head and came out my mouth. I walked out of my appt with a prescription to a new way of life and a dr.'s name I didn't even glance at ...and guess what I did? Yep, I cried.



A little while after that appt., Matt started having some discomfort and swelling..umm..down there. He saw his PCP and was given motrin. This helped with the swelling but not with the discomfort. Remember when I spoke about Em's adoption and how there was no real discussion? Well, Matt mentioned that maybe we should investigate a reversal. Guess who had a name? Guess where the dr. was located? Less than a mile from our house! We investigated cost....no, it wasn't cheap. In mid 2008, Matt went in for a reversal. The dr. said that on one side, the vas tubes had grown back together but was pinched (hence the swelling and discomfort). It was not an easy procedure and the first week was not fun for him. He is all hooked back up and we are learning NFP (which coincidentally, I have to know a basic form of it to monitor when I ovulate due to my medication). I have to say though that we have regained something in the bedroom that we weren't even fully aware we had lost...it was the union of a man and woman embracing in an act that is a gift from God. We finally had "us" back the way it was meant to be.

A missionary's heart

I really need to wrap up these events of the past so I can start posting on the present! But each event is a step towards what my life has become...it is important to retrace these footsteps so it makes sense to those who are brave enough to tackle this blog. It is important for my kids to someday understand these events.
To sum up 2007 and 2008...it was us being submerged in our faith. For the most part of 2007, we were on our "honeymoon" phase with the Lord. We enrolled the kids in a Catholic school about 20 minutes from our home. We left our parish of 10 years to join the parish the kids went to. I miss the people at our old parish...but I feel fed at our current one. (Sounds snobby I know but I just have to be honest). Jack serves Mass and we have learned so much.

During this time I had this urgent yearning to do missionary work. I half-heartedly looked into different Catholic organizations that could accommodate a family...I found two. One of the organizations was featured on a show on the cable that airs Catholic media. I about fell out of my chair. I expressed this desire to travel to a third world country to evangelize to Matt. He is the voice of practicality and quickly (although respectfully) had me rethink where it is God is truly calling me. I had come to the conclusion that while I have a missionary heart, I also have a vocation: wife and mother. Two of our children had been recently diagnosed with chronic conditions. While I know in my heart the Lord will provide, Matt asked me to think about how fair it was to these two small children to take them to a third world country for the sake of fulfilling my yearning. Instant doubt flooded my mind as I tried to wrestle with what I had going on in my current vocation and what my heart was being pulled to do. I just told God that He was going to have to have everything to fall into place...just like He did when we went to get Em...if this were to happen. (I am so funny telling God my stipulations aren't I?).

Much of 2007 and some of 2008 was spent with doctors and specialists for these two chronic conditions. Hannah was diagnosed with asthma and landed in the hospital for a 4 day stretch...we could have lost her due to my lack of knowledge on how serious asthma can be. Emma had been having seizures and I got to learn how to spell neurologist without thinking twice about where the e and the u go. They were both placed on meds for each of their conditions. Hannie seemed to respond wonderfully. Em wasnt' so lucky so we took her off of them in hopes she would just outgrow her condition.

Early in their diagnoses, we chaperoned a field trip with Jack's class to a shrine not far from our home. It was the shrine for the sick and dying. It was a nice trip and we received an annointing by Fr. with oil he recently brought back from Lourdes. We of course prayed for H and E for healing and went on with our lives for a while. About 8 months after attending this field trip, I was deep cleaning Jack's room. Jack has pack rat tendencies (he gets it from my side) so I go in there and purge things that are just junk no matter how much sentimental value he has placed on it. I picked up an old folder to put it with the rest of the school supplies when a prayer card fell out. Jack had brought it back with him from the shrine. I flipped it over to read it and it said, "if you have received a miracle after visiting the shrine, please write us to let us know." I immediately went down to find the notebooks that I keep Han and Em's symptoms, meds, dr.'s visits etc in it. The last date that either of them had any symptoms was around the same time we went to the shrine. Now, I suppose you can chalk it up to the meds for H...but how do you explain Em's condition? That she outgrew it all of the sudden? (and yes, I did write a letter letting them know that this mom chalked it up to 2 miracles). I am writing this in 2009 and there have been no asthma attacks...Hannah is off all meds and has been for almost a year. Em has been seizure free for well over a year. Can I get an AMEN?!

p.s. see post in Feb that describes Hannah's relapse. If you ask if I still believe that a miracle was performed here, my answer is a solid YES>

Back to my point about the missionary's heart...I still have this yearning to do mission work. I have since returned to school to complete a Nursing degree. I have been thinking about doing a medical mission. I am in my second semester. I sat up in bed last week and realized; I am doing missionary work, only I am too thick skulled to see it! More on that in a future post.

A break in the action

If this blog's purpose is to document, I must take a break from walking down memory lane in order to acknowledge the happenings of the present. Yesterday the 44th president of the United States of America was sworn in. I am left to wonder if I paid more attention to it because I follow these things now. Or did I pay attention to it because one couldn't escape it? It is a very historical moment...one cannot deny this no matter what your feeling on the matter may be. Two things struck me as I listened to Pres. Obama's inauguration:
1) The part of President Obama's speech where he said,

"For those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, we say to you now that our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you." —Inaugural Speech, January 20th, 2009

2) The benediction of the inauguration where Rev. Lowery said,

"Lord, in the memory of all the saints who from their labors rest, and in the joy of a new beginning, we ask you to help us work for that day when black will not be asked to get back, when brown can stick around -- (laughter) -- when yellow will be mellow -- (laughter) -- when the red man can get ahead, man -- (laughter) -- and when white will embrace what is right." --Inaugural Speech, January 20th, 2009

If you do not understand where I am going with this...read no further for it will make no sense to you. The words "slaughtering innocents" keep running through my head. Was I hearing it right? The slaughtering of the innocents! Mr. President, do you understand the weight of what you just said? Do you understand what you just conveyed to the Pro-Life Americans that ten minutes ago you swore to uphold and protect. The constitution says that ALL men are created equal. That was not always so...we know that. We have proven we can rise above. We have shown that we have come so far and can still keep working. We can all agree on that. Where we have trouble is with the word Created. How does one get here if not through it's mother womb? ALL men are CREATED equal. Not, ALL men are CREATED equal ...unless its inconvenient. SO excuse me if I am not jumping up and down at this new president. It's not because the color of his skin...and if you read two posts ago...you will understand where I stand on race. It's because his record of being the most liberal senator. It's because of his stance on those innocents...the unborn. It's because of the Born Alive Act, it's because of his promise to Planned Parenthood, it's because of the White House's website about how he feels about women.
People are running around shouting about how wonderful Obama is and now we have hope. But dare I burst their bubble and ask, "what has he done in government that would give you that hope?" Sure, he has beaten many odds. Do we not realize that we always have hope. Why have we put all of our hope in one man's hands? Are people so separated from our Lord that we place all of our beliefs in a man who has no track record?
But dare I say anymore? Rev. Lowery made it known how he feels about me if I lash out anymore. Sorry, but that statement was racist and I was shocked when I heard it. And he didn't say, "May the white always embrace what is right". He said, "When the white will embrace what is right".

So what is this SAHM/PT student supposed to do about all of this? I will just have to spend more time on my knees, placing these feelings in the care of my Lord. After all, there is only one Man I place my hope in...

Brother D and the Anti-C

We returned home with a beautiful baby girl. The transition was a pretty smooth one. Slowly, Em let each sibling into her world of people to trust. Once she got going, she never looked back. As we entered 2006, we started to learn more of our faith. A lesson I learned quickly is that the closer you get to God, the more you will be tested.
(I want this blog to be a documentation of that whole process for our family. Our girls have no clue that we "changed" at all. Jack,however, remembers what it was like when we weren't "so Catholic". I think he looks upon those times with nostalgia.)
So here we are, settling in quite nicely...enter in Matt's brother...who was a "bible" christian with a mission to save all of us heathen Catholics. We'll call him Brother D( who BTW is Jack's godfather back in the day when he would enter a Catholic Church). I will not go on and on about what all that entailed because it's the typical anti-catholic rhetoric. I will say that we were questioned...sometimes brutally...on our faith. We were NOT prepared because we didn't know how to answer. We had Brother D come in and tell us we were going to hell, the Pope was the anti-christ, Church is whore of babylon...yadda yadda yadda. Before this sounds like I am complaining, I want to express that it's the opposite. I am thankful for Brother D. I am blessed that God used Brother D to further my faith. Without him coming with these point blank accusations, I would not have dusted off my Catechism. I would not have read scripture. I would not have read the Church fathers. I would not have discovered EWTN or Fr. Corapi or Scott Hahn. Thank you Brother D! If I was a Catholic, then I had better know what it means to be a Catholic. I remember listening to one of Brother D's tyrades and looking at Matt and saying, "we believe that?" Then reading up on the latest way we were told we failed God and learning that, "yeah, we believe that but not the way Brother D puts it." I think there was a small portion of time that we looked into our faith afraid of finding that it wasn't adding up. What happened was quite the opposite. Our research on the Catholic faith made us understand what it is we say we believe when we recite the Apostle's Creed at Mass. Mass became more beautiful to us. I now was dressing the kids for Mass with excitement...I was going to my Father's house!
So thank you Brother D...I have told you how thankful I am...you will never know how much.

p.s. Brother D has since calmed down quite a bit with his anti-Catholic rhetoric. He has apologized for some of his accusations...I still just feel blessed because of them. He has even stepped up as Jack's Godfather...although he is no longer Catholic, he has been sending Jack things that are biblical and respectful to our faith. I am very proud of how far he has come. It brings tears of joy to my eyes when I read his letter to his godson. He and his family have grown beautifully these past few years in love and in numbers! They are a blessing to know. Love Ya Brother D!

Blessings in disguise

After having our marriage convalidated, Matt and I just seemed closer. You know, when you have three kids four and under, life can get hectic. It continued that way for a few years. Our kids were now 7, 4 and 2. It seemed like things were finally getting under control. Matt and I were communicating more. Life was good...it was great. I was smiling alot (which had not happened in a long time) and knew that I didn't have to handle a thing...God was in control.



The summer of 2004 Matt turned to me and said that he regretted not having more children. We briefly talked of having his vasectomy reversed. The Lord was speaking to his heart in a different way. We knew that to reverse this cost alot of money...insurance will cover it to do it but not to undo it. And to be quite frank...to think about the procedure even made me queasy. Matt said, why not use the money and put it towards a child who is already here. Let's adopt. There was no debate. There was no thinking about it. Next thing I knew, we were researching domestic adoption vs international. We decided to do international. Now we needed to decide on what country. I had two countries in mind, Korea and Guatemala. The reason I chose these two is because the babies can be escorted to you. Remember that our children were very small. God may have called me to adopt, but He certainly wouldn't call me away from the children that are already in our care....would He? Matt knew right away that China was our destination. I kept trying to make Korea look more appealing. I even spoke to a friend from high school who adopted from there. "Here honey, listen to her experience. Isn't it great?". There is the control freak in me rearing it's ugly head again.

China. You could not get further away if you tried...at least that's what I felt. Two weeks away from our children. Who would watch them? It's not like people were coming out of the woodwork with offers...they were still reeling from the year before! The girls(Hannah and Olivia) weren't even old enough for pre-school. Jack was homeschooled. How are we going to swing two weeks of full time care for our kids here? China? Really? Well, if that's where we are supposed to go then let's see You swing this one. We chose an agency, did a flurry of paperwork, and sat for 9 months. On September 2, 2005 we received a call. Our baby girl's picture came up on our computer. She took our breath away. And then it started...my arms began to ache for her. My baby was over there and I am here. She needs her mommy. She has gone 11 months without a mamma to hold her. Normally when you get your referral for your child, you travel 3-4 weeks later. Because of the trade fair going on in China, we were not going to travel until early November. Once we received confirmation of when we were travelling, I began to panic. Who was going to watch my kids? We made the decision to bring Jack with us. He just turned 8. But there was no way I was going to be able to afford or handle taking Olivia (4) and Hannah (3). Lo and behold my MIL...who works full time and not really into the whole babysitting thing...stepped up to the plate. A neighbor helped fill in the gaps. My sister and two of my SIL's offered assistance. A friend asked where she could help. It all worked out and was orchestrated perfectly. Isn't God Great? It was if He said, "Go my daughter and complete the journey I have sent you on."
On Nov. 5, 2005 we set off for China. I remember looking back at the two girls at the airport one last time before walking thru security. There were no tears from them...after all, they were staying at Grammy and Papa's house to be kept busy and be spoiled rotten (the fruits of this two week stay with Grammy and Papa are still paying off to this day...it was a turning point). Off we went into the great unknown.
The story of Em's adoption is a very special story. I have it documented in a few places. Maybe I will write it here one day. The point of telling this particular journey should be obvious. This journey to Emma was totally orchestrated by a power beyond Matt and I. It wasn't a decision we made, it was truly a calling. The trip over to China changed us in ways I didn't even know existed in my heart. We no longer looked at things the same. To hold that child in my arms for the first time was the most significant moment in my life. To look into her eyes and not know much about her past but know where her future will be is beyond comprehension. To hear the few details about what her life had been like for the past 11 months is just short of amazing. To know there were several people who helped take care of her until we could come and get her has touched my soul.
I have a unique outlook when it comes to being a mother. I have carried three children in my womb. I have known them from the moment they moved. When each one was laid on me after being born, I finally got to see what this child, who kicked and moved inside of me, looked like. With Em, it was the opposite. I saw this child first and then I got to know the way she moved. For those who have adopted but don't have biological children...know that the love you feel is NO different. The process is different but the maternal flood of emotions is not.
Emma has overcome a language barrier. She has overcome abandonment. She has overcome different smells and sounds. She has learned she belongs in a family. She has learned to trust that she is loved. She has learned that when she eats, there will be more. Emma is my hero and is one of the strongest females I know.